Losing it/Consumed

I thought of something profound and intellectual to write about the other day. But as it goes, I can't remember what it was. That wouldn't bother me so much if one, it hadn't been so long since my last entry and two, that has been happening a lot lately. I am forgetting plans and dates and feel like I am always playing catch up. I can't remember names and places and where things are. Even places that I have been to recently, I can't quite recall the directions. Now, I have always been directionally challenged but it has gotten worse, I believe. I have a lot to do and they are things that time wise, seem very manageable. However, things get in the way, even things that are what I am to do. They interfere with something else I am suppose to be doing at the moment. My housework, school work, kids, husband, watching TV or playing games or the computer. Now it has gotten better in some areas but why is there still this mountain of stuff to do? It seems so insurmountable that I could never accomplish it all, let alone even know where to begin. The worst part is the crabbiness I get. Looking around at all that needs to be done. I have been raising my voice lately and short tempered with the girls. I admit and have repented, that I haven't been disciplining them lately either which I know is part of it too. Oh how I would love to climb in bed and throw the covers over my head and tell everything to go away. Unfortunately, my cleaning fairies don't exist yet and so they don't do the never ending laundry and dishes and vacuuming and yadda yadda yadda. And I am such an eager beaver to help that if I have no solid reason why I can't, I will. Even if that means running all day. With it all looming before me, I try tackeling another project in my life, an important one but none the less another 'to do' on my list.

Now I am consumed lately with my health. Obviously, weight has always been an issue with me. Gone up and down all my life. Well, now, through the whole depression era of our lives this past year, I have gained more than ever and sit above what I was 9 months pregnant with Emily. Yuck! So, for the last 2 weeks, I have watched what I have eaten, kept track of it all on SparkPeople.com (I love that site, been using it off and on for over a year now. ) and I am down 8 lbs. Great, and I am trying not to think of the big picture to say that is merely a drop in the bucket. I really do want to be excited that at least it is something. But the tracking and researching cuts into school time and all other aspects of the day. Like I said, it is important and should be worth the time for now and soon , I may not need that much time as I get into it more.

My other mind consuming thoughts go to my psoriasis. Yes, I have it and have had it coming on for 10 years now. This past 6 months or so it has doubled in area of my body. It as completely consumed my scalp, has edged onto my face, there are spots front and back and are in large splotches from hip to hip. I say it all out in the open, because, well the biggest reason, I can't hide it anymore. It is too visible. Secondly, I need to let go of any pride that the Lord has shown me I hold. No matter what in my life, I always loved my hair and my clearer complexion. Well no more. It has been taken from me. I was terribly angry and frustrated with this disease/disorder. Not thinking it fair. You know, the "Why me" syndrome. Well, why not me? The Lord owes us nothing and all things go through Him so obviously there was a reason for it. And if that reason is for me to see how much vanity I had in myself and to begin to give myself completely to Him, then that is just the way it should be. I am still self-conscious and still considering buying hats or a scarf or something, but I should do it only because I want to, not because I am afraid of what people think of me. I can't do a lot about it. There are tons of medications I could try, there is no guarantee of any of them working for me, but the side-effects or complications may outweigh the positive. I don't know yet.
With my mind boggled, my fear of accomplishing anything, my loss of health and my itchy skin, I am now going to go pray as I am mad at myself for 'wasting' the last hour rambling on my blog rather than cleaning the school room like I said I was going to do.